Posts Tagged ‘nova’

Welcome to Hell

Hot off an Obama/Biden visit, what better day to share my opinion of Virginia’s (now-presidential) burger joint:

If you’re not in the mood for chicken, Ray’s Hell Burger is the cheap-eats NOVA alternative for BIG, manly portions of food. Which is what you’ll find inside: a lot of men, eating huge, dripping, giant, unladylike burgers. What you won’t find are french fries or beer, two things we were craving the day of our visit. The root beer on tap was delicious as was the potato alternative (bagged chips), but—unlike Patten, who believes this to be the best burger in the area—I have no desire to return. The process of putting your mouth over a puffy bun filled with a 10 oz juicy patty and a slippery mound of grilled thick-cut red onions is painful and embarrassing. And while the beef (which is never frozen) and condiments (which yes, are fresh) make for a delicious bite, I can hardly enjoy the flavor because I have juices running down my chin, hands, wrists—a loose onion dangling out my mouth. This is not Carl’s Junior sexy. This is hell.

Hot Juicy Chicken, Anyone?

My first attempt to eat at Washington’s favorite Peruvian chicken joint—El Pollo Rico—ended in failure. I was with my parents on the way home from Richmond. My sister-in-law gave us instructions to the restaurant over the phone—courtesy of MapQuest—but with no physical map in tow, we somehow got tangled in the mess of 1-95, 1-495, and 1-395, and ended up near Bailey’s Crossroads. A 7-eleven worker pointed us to Arlington, yet we passed the restaurant twice before we found Kenmore, the tiny side street off Wilson where it’s located. When we pulled into the parking lot, we watched folks make u-turns as they reached the door. Patten stepped out. “They ran out of chicken,” someone said, “for the first time in 17 years!” Apparently, the place had been even busier than normal thanks to Anthony Bourdain’s visit in the Washington D.C. episode of No Reservations, which had aired just a week before.

Two weeks later, I still have chicken on the mind so I convince my FWAC (friend with a car) to tote us out to Clarendon. It’s Sunday night again, but a few hours earlier than our last attempt. People seem to be going inside the florescent-lit building. This is good. Yet when we’re inside, the last fowl is served and we have to wait 20 minutes until the next batch of birds come off the rotisserie. Patten and I spend the whole 20 minutes arguing over what size of chicken to get—he wants us to get two half chickens (at $7.34 a piece), while economical Emily thinks we should save the 93 cents (heck, that’ll buy an Inca Cola!) and share the whole chicken for $13.75. Both include large portions of fries and coleslaw. I end up submitting—sort of happy I did, so that I can watch the guy behind the counter chop and cleave the chicken with grace—and we each walk away with our own Styrofoam plates filled with chicken, thick steak fries, and coleslaw. We pick a table in the cafeteria-like room and dig in.

The chicken is incredibly moist. While I love the slightly crispy and flavorful skin, Patten thinks it’s too salty. But he inhales the meat, as do we all. Even my FWAC (pictured below), who hates chicken on bones, seems to be liking the experience. I’ve read too many reviews about this place—most of the writers think the coleslaw is too sweet, but I have to disagree. The gooey, crunchy, and yes, sweet slaw goes well with the salty chicken. In fact, when I gnawed on my leftover bones the next day, I wished like crazy I had some slaw to accompany it.

El Pollo Rico is definitely worth the trip out of D.C. It’s Metro accessible, but wear your walking shoes. Get off at the Clarendon stop on the orange line and walk west, the opposite direction that you’re facing when you come out of the Metro. You’ll pass Murky Coffee, which will be on your right. Double check that you’re on Wilson. Keep walking. You’ll run into Kenmore Street. Take a right, and you’ll see the restaurant’s nondescript yellow sign.

A few tips:

1. Do order more sauce, but only the mustard mayo. The spicy green stuff is great, but unless you’re a dragon, one container will be enough.

2. Bring cash. There is a tiny ATM machine on the premises, but these (not here specifically, just in general) seem to break or run out of money. I didn’t see a bank nearby.

3. Everyone drinks the Inca Cola, but don’t expect caffeine or a Coke flavor. This stuff tastes like pink bubblegum.

4. Chicken tastes great the next day. It’s so cheap, so order more than you can eat in one sitting.